Megadeath and Kittens

It's been a funny day. Funny in an American kind of way. Let me explain. I went to Flugtag at Tempe Town Lake. Its a German word that means "Flying Day". Its a ridiculous event where contestants attempt to fly their homemade aircrafts off of a giant ramp into Tempe Town Lake. Its a ridiculous event because there is no chance that any of these planes would ever fly, some were even built with out wings, for goodness sakes. Its an opportunity to watch a bunch of people make fools of themselves as they proudly jump off a ramp with a big peice of crap. But here's what's funny. 50,000 people showed up to watch this. What does that say about our culture? You gotta love it. As I was watching this, I was thinking about the unique sense of novelty that Western society has. The novelty that our culture appreciates first became apparant to me when I lived in Kenya. I would see something that was so completely ridiculous that it was funny, but none of my African friends could appreciate it. For example, I worked in a slum outside of Nairobi with an African woman who wore an old tshirt from the band "Megadeath". I laughed everytime I saw that because I'm pretty sure she wasnt wearing it because she was a fan of a heavy metal band. I love the irony. None of my African friends seemed to appriciate the novelty in this. If I was to show up to a party in Nairobi wearing a tshirt that has, ummm, kittens on it, people would wonder why I was wearing such an odd shirt. But in America, if I was to wear this kitten tshirt to a party, it would be a hit and everyone would laugh. Okay, you get my point. So, in summary, I'm glad I'm an American and that I can enjoy watching a bunch of people throw crap off a ramp.

bs.

Bashas and My Amazing Mom

One of my least favorite activities is going to the grocery store. I just get overwhelmed. I walk in there and don't know where to start. I find mysef walking in circles, and going from one side of the store to the other, looking for something like olives. Which, by the way, took me 20 minutes to find last night.
But, I've discovered something amazing. My mom has the gorcery store memorized. I will wander the store looking for Honey...it is nowhere to be found. From the store, I will call my mom in Texas, and she can guide me to the Honey in 30 seconds. It's amazing. Thanks Mom.

Tuesday

Sometimes I want to delete my blog. I mean, not just an entry, like I always do, but just kill the whole thing. I guess just the pressure of the whole thing wears me out. I mean, its not that much pressure, come on, that's ridiculous. But sometimes I read a friend's blog and it makes me laugh or I learn something and I feel like I should be performing that same service for those who read ScouterBlue. Sorry folks.
But I am going to try to write more. I used to write a lot. I kept a pretty detailed journal of my year in Kenya. Sometimes I pull it out and laugh out loud.
Thanks to $3 gas, I rode my bike to work today. Phoenix has ruined me. There's not too many other places where you can turn a somewhat stressfull commute into a peaceful mountainbike ride through a desert trail. It was pretty cool. The sun was rising over the McDowell Mountains, rabbits were everywhere, desert quail were dodging my front tire. One time I came up on a family of 5 javelina...pretty awesome.
So now I'm here, at work, again. I dont see my first patient until 10:30, so this morning is all about coffee, paperwork, and blogging.

Some exciting things are on the horizon. I leave next week for Wildflower. Its America's best triathlon. Its in the hills of Monterrey County in Central California...more about that next week.

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Truth

Things are better. I've had a few close friends really be Truth for me over the past few days, and it has been exactly what I needed. I really needed somebody to slap the crap out of me and tell me what an idiot I am being. Seriously, thats what I needed and thats what I got. So thanks.

These days my life is filled with a lot of swimming, biking, running. I'm doing a half-ironman race in central California two weeks from Saturday, so I am in the final preparation stages. This week is actully my peak training....lots of hours, lots of distance...then I will begin tapering for the next two weeks. Its an active state of recovery so that my body will be fresh for race morning. More to come as the day draws near...

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What Has Happened?

Cole Sear: We were supposed to draw a picture, anything we wanted. I drew a man who got hurt in the neck by another man with a screwdriver.
Malcolm Crowe: You saw that on TV, Cole?
Cole Sear: Everyone got upset. They had a meeting. Mom started crying. I don't draw like that any more.
Malcolm Crowe: How do you draw now?
Cole Sear: Draw... people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don't have meetings about rainbows.

Name that movie. It's funny, for some reason I was thinking about this quote when I opened my blog this morning to write. I havent really written anything in awhile. Mostly because I really dont have anything to say that is blogworthy, but also because I really dont want to share some of the crap that is my life. It is a lot easier to write about smiling people and puppies, than hurt...but here goes. The truth is, I'm bored. Just completely bored with life. I rarely find anything exciting anymore, and the repetition kills me. In larger groups, I find myself withdrawing. I'm an adventurer without an adventure, a risk taker without a challenge. There has got to be more than this.

Have you ever watched an old home movie of yourself, or listened to a recording of yourself, and thought..."Do I really sound like that??!" "Do I really act like that??!" or even, "Do I look like that??!" It can be funny, but it can also be really disturbing. I am finding that I have this picture of myself in my head of who I am, but lately its like a mirror has been held to my life, and I am horrified by what I see. Just when I start thinking I look alright, I take a look in that mirror and see a monster looking back. I guess I've just been taking a look at it more than usual lately.

I find myself withdrawing more than usual. I'm a pretty quiet guy, but I somehow get by socially. But lately it seems to take more of an effort. Effort leads to fatigue, and thats where I am. Just completely burnt out. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of being hurt. I am tired of appologizing for who I am. My response to this, as unhealthy as it is...withdraw. Thats where I am.

I moved to Phoenix three years ago. I didnt really know anyone here, and suffered quite a bit. During that time I got myself into more trouble than I could have ever imagined, and I still feel the scars that were made. These scars have been hurting more lately than usual, perhaps because I feel like life is coming full circle and I am back to the same place I was when I first moved here. Pardon my vagueness, but I just dont want to get specific, and you dont want to hear it.

Its funny, I even find myself reading the same books from three years ago. I was home the other night and opened up The Catcher in The Rye. It makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. I think Holden Caufield and I would be friends.

I think I'm homesick, too. At home I dont have to defend myself. I take walks with my mom, fish with my Dad. I eat bad mexican food with my brothers, and watch Wheel of Fortune with my grandma while she does her crossword. Life was simple What has happened?

bs.