on Flying

This experience is even worse than I remember. The line creeps along as thousands of soon to be passengers curse under their breath. My flight isn't leaving for another 45 minutes, but I still feel an urgent need to get there and wait. The people behind me make continuous comments about how they feel like they are at Disney World. They're annoying, and I'm not in the mood to humor them. I make them disappear with my magical ipod. I think about the past week, how it was busy, yet uneventful. I managed to make it through the week only saying the F word twenty times rather than my usual thirty.
Can this thing really get off the ground? Well, that's actually not my fear. Can it stay off the ground for two hours? I took enough Physics in college to understand what makes this plane fly. But these big engines could go out at any minute, especially on take off. I mean, they've been resting here for awhile now. What if there's a bird in there. Or rust. Or what if the mechanic is not a perfectionist. A loose bolt? Electical problems? Oh no, the monsoon! We don't have a chance. Well, if we're going down, let's do it right. Swish, right through the roof of Chase Field! Yes!! Right before impact, I wink at the flight attendant...she knows what to do...we simultaneously sing opera style, "Go D'Backs!!"
Why do I get myself so worked up over these things? And why do I sweat so much? I mean, not just now, just in general. I'm going to have to find a wife who likes sweaty guys. Wait. No. What kind of girl likes sweaty guys? I don't want a girl like that. The only thing grosser than sweaty guys are the girls who love them.
I'm reading a book that makes me laugh out loud. I can't actually laugh out loud since I'm in public and I kind of have an annoying laugh anyway, so my body just shakes as I contain myself. The girl next to me doesn't seem to mind. She's been asleep since before our death defying stunt over Chase Field. I think she's on her way to meet some guy she met online. I could tell by the way she nervously laughed when she called him. She fidgeted alot. It kind of made me uncomfortable. This guy could be a creep, and she's kind of cute. Gosh, what must it take to get a kind of cute girl to fly 1000 miles to come meet a sweaty guy. Maybe I should try online dating. Maybe not. As she found her seat I give her a fake smile. The kind of smile that only makes one dimple, but not enough to show teeth...that would make it way too obvious that I'm not glad she's here. I would have appreciated a little more elbow room.
Am I just way too courteous to put my seat back? I paid $350 for this reclining chair, but why am I so hesitant to sit back. I have every right to make full use of all of my seat's functions. Perhaps it's because I am always completely annoyed when the person in front of me insists on having his seat reclined for the entire flight. Is it really necessary to recline when you eat and use your laptop? I bang around on my tray table just to prove a point. He still wins. Still I can't do this to this poor woman. She looks nice. I wouldnt want somebody reclining on my mom and stealing all her leg space. Fine.
Why in the world do you people feel like you need to immediatly stand up the minute the seatbelt sign is turned off. They've barely parked this thing. Haven't you heard of Cross Check? Hello. Now this sweaty guy's got a big ass in his face with another ten minutes to go.