What Has Happened?

Cole Sear: We were supposed to draw a picture, anything we wanted. I drew a man who got hurt in the neck by another man with a screwdriver.
Malcolm Crowe: You saw that on TV, Cole?
Cole Sear: Everyone got upset. They had a meeting. Mom started crying. I don't draw like that any more.
Malcolm Crowe: How do you draw now?
Cole Sear: Draw... people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don't have meetings about rainbows.

Name that movie. It's funny, for some reason I was thinking about this quote when I opened my blog this morning to write. I havent really written anything in awhile. Mostly because I really dont have anything to say that is blogworthy, but also because I really dont want to share some of the crap that is my life. It is a lot easier to write about smiling people and puppies, than hurt...but here goes. The truth is, I'm bored. Just completely bored with life. I rarely find anything exciting anymore, and the repetition kills me. In larger groups, I find myself withdrawing. I'm an adventurer without an adventure, a risk taker without a challenge. There has got to be more than this.

Have you ever watched an old home movie of yourself, or listened to a recording of yourself, and thought..."Do I really sound like that??!" "Do I really act like that??!" or even, "Do I look like that??!" It can be funny, but it can also be really disturbing. I am finding that I have this picture of myself in my head of who I am, but lately its like a mirror has been held to my life, and I am horrified by what I see. Just when I start thinking I look alright, I take a look in that mirror and see a monster looking back. I guess I've just been taking a look at it more than usual lately.

I find myself withdrawing more than usual. I'm a pretty quiet guy, but I somehow get by socially. But lately it seems to take more of an effort. Effort leads to fatigue, and thats where I am. Just completely burnt out. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of being hurt. I am tired of appologizing for who I am. My response to this, as unhealthy as it is...withdraw. Thats where I am.

I moved to Phoenix three years ago. I didnt really know anyone here, and suffered quite a bit. During that time I got myself into more trouble than I could have ever imagined, and I still feel the scars that were made. These scars have been hurting more lately than usual, perhaps because I feel like life is coming full circle and I am back to the same place I was when I first moved here. Pardon my vagueness, but I just dont want to get specific, and you dont want to hear it.

Its funny, I even find myself reading the same books from three years ago. I was home the other night and opened up The Catcher in The Rye. It makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. I think Holden Caufield and I would be friends.

I think I'm homesick, too. At home I dont have to defend myself. I take walks with my mom, fish with my Dad. I eat bad mexican food with my brothers, and watch Wheel of Fortune with my grandma while she does her crossword. Life was simple What has happened?

bs.